I’m sat in Starbucks once again looking into deep space, not wanting to talk to anyone, and thinking about where I am in my life. Apart from my wife and son, the only thing I have is photography, but I don’t want this anymore. I’ve never been any good at photography, I like to think I am but the truth is as plain as the white empty screen looking back at me, I suck!
I need to take the time to write something personal, this is as much for me as it is for you the reader, I’ve said it before, writing helps me focus on the positive, and most of the time it helps me block out the problems I have in my head and my day to day life. Let’s begin….
Over the past 12 weeks or so I’ve been fighting with myself and it starts every time I pick the camera up to take a photo I start to overthink everything, I start thinking what’s the point, why am I taking this photo, who cares and more to the point do I care and you know it doesn’t matter and nobody including myself cares. I use to take photos because it relaxed me and I felt comfortable, now I just look at it as a pain in my ass. I’ve let the wrong people influence me and what I’m doing, I really fucking hate everyone right now and I just want to be left alone, I’m screaming inside and I’m fed up and tired with having to put on a mask of happiness for people that I really don’t want to be around.
I feel like the Joker, I just want to watch the world burn. I have a problem trying to block out everyone and everything negative and it's like I open the doors and invite the shit in, why the hell do I keep doing this, I know I need to stop but it isn’t easy for me and most of my friends just don’t understand how hard this is for me, they don’t understand what depression is, yes they’ve heard the word but they don’t understand what it can do to someone, it rips you apart from deep within and it’s not easy to control, no scratch that, you have no control over it.
I’m a depressed, angry, selfish person that hates the person that looks back at me in the mirror, I know that I don’t treat people around me right. I also know that the way I was brought up has a lot to do with who and where I am today, both of my parents treated me like crap, I wasn’t from a welcoming home, my sister was, she had lots of love and support and I was left feeling like the unwanted child, this carried on right up to where I cut off all contact with them (about 4 years ago). I had no support and they never showed any interest in my photography to them it was a waste of time if it was something they were interested in or something that the sister was doing it wasn’t worth their time. I would also like to point out that it isn’t easy writing the word sister as I no longer think of her in that way. I’ve had problems with my wife’s parents as my mother-in-law is a strong person and we do like to but-heads, but my in-laws have always been there for me and my wife, they would never do anything nasty, plus they treat all 3 of their children the same they don’t hold one higher than the other. I love having them around and I just wish I had a family like my wife’s, her family cares about each other, they support each other and this is something I’ve been missing in my life, the trouble with my wife’s family is I’ve never felt a true part of it, I still feel like an outsider someone that doesn’t belong and this feeling in me goes back to my upbringing.
The only support I had was from my photography teacher Mr.Littleword, he was way more of a father to me, I had nothing but support from him but it just wasn’t enough to make me a better person today. I’m not strong enough to do something about this and what can I do, I’ve been getting help but for the most part it hasn’t allowed me to let go of all the negative and hateful feelings I still have floating around in my head, fuck I wish I could just find the off switch.
I’ve tried many things to help me move forward this has now included deleting all of my social media accounts and I’ve stopped myself from spending more than an hour a day online and this is helping and unfortunately it’s not, it’s a double-edged sword. I have no idea who I can trust in this world, of course, this statement doesn’t include my wife and son. I see myself moving backward, as a teenager I would spend all my time by myself sitting in a dark room watching movies, blocking out all of the crap in my life, and in the past year, I’ve seen myself doing this once again, watching the movies from my youth. I feel safe in the dark with my old friends, they don’t want anything from me and they're always there for me, I feel happy being back in the 1980’s the music, the moving pictures, etc it’s home, the trouble is the movie always ends and I find myself back in all the shit once again, looking for something good.
I know most of the people in my life wouldn’t notice if I was to disappear today, maybe they would say something like, that fat loudmouth asshole and that’s it, I’m sure that’s what people think of me now, but why should I care? Most of you reading this would say that it doesn’t matter and I’m sure for you it’s easy to not care, but again for someone like me who suffers from depression, I spend hours thinking about this. I fell out with someone a few months ago, this was someone I thought I could trust, now I know most people would just move on and not give it a second thought, but for me, there’s not a day that goes past where I don’t think about it, was it my fault, is it because I’m poison, should I stay out of peoples way and I’m sure the answer is yes, for me, I need isolation or maybe it’s just time to call it a day. This is why when I have problems breathing or I have chest pains I don’t call for help, sorry for the honestly in this blog, but I need to write down my thoughts and feelings as this can sometimes help and maybe in writing this I won’t go and do something stupid, even though the thought is there always, just call it a day.
What worries me is the one thing that has saved me and for the past few years has kept me going I just don’t enjoy. The big question for me is will I get the passion back in time for it save me once again and the truth for me is I’m not sure.
