Depression and anxiety, according to mind.org Approximately 1 in 4 people in the UK will experience a mental health problem each year. In England, 1 in 6 people report experiencing a common mental health problem (such as anxiety and depression) in any given week.
So why I’m writing about this on my photography blog, simple I’ve recently been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and I’ve been spending the last few months trying to come to terms with it. The doctors have been looking at different ways to help me deal with this from drugs to therapy and I have to be honest here and say so far nothing has worked. So I started to look at my photography, I know I’m at my happiest and most peaceful when I’m on the streets with my camera, so could photography be the therapy I need. Unfortunately, the answer is both yes and no and herein lies my ongoing battle, you see if I’m having a good day then yes my photography really helps me deal with my depression and I feel great, alive I’ll be walking around with smile on my face and at that point, nothing can bring me down, however, if I’m having a bad day (for whatever reason) my feeling depressed doubles (or so it feels), now I’m not going to go into details here, but once I’ve reached this point I start to feel like the whole world is against me and I want to quit everything. There have been days in the past where I’ve come close to throwing my camera into the river Thames and on one occasion I got so fed up that I took my camera into a camera shop and sold it.
So how can I get camera therapy to work for me, I believe the answer is to spend more time by myself, quality time if you will, just me the streets and my camera, the thought of this is bringing a smile to face as I write it.
Something I know that has helped me with my depression is minimalism, not only in my day to day living but also with my photography. I no longer find myself looking at new gear wishing I could afford it, I’m just happy, more than happy with the camera and lens I have, I no longer feel the need to upgrade to latest greatest gear. I truly believe that minimalism could help so many other photographers suffering from G.A.S. syndrome.
Music, this has always had a place in my life and more so in the last few months, I love listening to Beethoven’s 5th and 9th symphonies while I’m editing my street photos or even while I’m writing a blog, including this one. I plan to introduce music into my days when I’m out taking photos, maybe investing in some AirPods, which are small and easy to carry unlike my other headphones, that are just too big for the streets. My hope would be that if I do start to have a bad day while outshooting the music could relax and help me zone in and in turn help me cope with my anxiety before it has a chance to take hold.
I no longer feel comfortable around people and yes this includes close friends, I always feel like they are talking or laughing behind my back. This has also lend me to question my photography, is my work truly good or are friends just saying that to be nice. I’m sure I’m not the only artist to feel like this.
I also know I’m my own worst enemy, for those of you that have never met me in person, I’m obnoxious and yes I really do mean that look it up in the dictionary and you’ll see a photo of me. When I’m on my own I like peace and quiet, I love to sit still, close my eyes and just relax and even when I’m out on the streets (by myself) I will be still and almost invisible, this is how I’m able to get up close to people and take a photo without them noticing me. The second I’m with someone I become loud, obnoxious and very opinionated, this has been a problem more times than I can think off, so it’s better that I keep people especially friends at arm's length that way I don’t piss them off and lose them out of my life. When someone asks me to come out for whatever reason, I’ll always say yes, but almost immediately regret that I will then try and make some sort of excuse why I can’t go, be it money, travel, etc. Don’t get me wrong I love my friends and I do get excited about seeing them, the trouble is I go from being the nice quiet person to a loud obnoxious annoying twat almost immediately and I see it happening but I just can’t stop doing it, I believe this to be a defense mechanism that helps me cope with my anxiety. Do you start to understand where I’m coming from, I hope so.
My passion for street photography is everything to me and I’m so grateful it's in my life, street photography has lend me to writing blogs, I mean, me writing, this is something I never would’ve seen myself doing. These blogs about my street shooting are helping me deal with my depression, if I start to feel down I’ll pick up my MacBook and I’ll start writing a blog, isn’t wonderful just how something so simple as writing can help me cope with this awful disease. The simple pleasure of sitting down listening to wonderful playful music, I love listening movie soundtracks from my youth, like Goonies or The Witches of Eastwick (which has just started playing as I’m writing this), music can then lend onto something creative coming alive on the page right in front of me, it kind of reminds me of being in the darkroom watching a photo, something I created in camera come alive on the paper floating in the developer, I get goosebumps just thinking of it.
Without photography in my life I would be a mess, maybe I wouldn't even be here anymore. Street photography is everything to me, next to my wife and son it’s the only other important thing in my life. It’s great that I have this passion and support in my life and it’s this combination that keeps me going day after day. I’m sure with the support of my wife and my street photography I’ll overcome this disease known as depression. This blog hasn’t been easy to write, it’s very personal to me, I feel as if this could help me as I’m always being told it’s good to open up and be honest not only with myself but also with others. I wanted to show just how much street photography has helped me, the reason behind it, the simple task of a click and most of my problems disappear, if only for a few hours.
I’d like to thank you for all your support with my blog, knowing you're out there reading this blog and enjoying my photos helps me more than you’ll ever know.
